First Entry of 2023

01/13/2023 - 7:10 AM EST

Mood: Unsure
Drinking: Nothing
Eating: Gum
Listening: Various old fashion videos

To be blunt. I've had a really hard and weird year in 2022. My emotions frankly are all over the place. I don't think moving houses suddenly helped at all either.

I, honestly, am fucking shit at handling my emotions. I have a very bad habit of essentially doing this anytime I feel anything negative.

Which you know, probably not healthy in the long run! But it's a hard habit to break, I just really struggle to actually talk to people when I have a problem. Non-people related problems are easier to handle, no one can really get mad about me being frustrated about my past home situation. But people are harder. I'm too afraid of the idea of someone deciding something was the final straw and leaving me. Alongside general trust issues. It's really starting to fuck up my relationships with other people and I feel like I've gotten myself into a bad spiral that's turned into a boulder rolling down a steep hill that I can't stop. Every action I take feels like a mistake lately.

Besides my ever present people issues. It's both nice and very hard moving houses. I like the new house, I have no issues with that, other than maybe wishing my room was just a bit bigger, but it's fine. But having to go back to the old house to get more things to the new house is stressful. It makes me upset to see the horrible state the house I grew up in is at. I already have a hard time dealing with the fact I can never be a kid again, and seeing how ruined the house is compared to my childhood hurts, a lot. We went to get more stuff earlier today, mostly just clothes and our dining room table, but remembering how terrible the place was after getting used to genuinely living in the new house stung. It's especially nervewracking to try and think about if I'll have to leave something behind. I'm going to insist upon getting everything from 'my room', i refuse to leave behind any of my plushies or various things ive collected. But the old toy room is a little harder. We've managed to downsize most of it, but we might have to do more, which will suck. I at least know what stuff I want for sure and I'll make sure those go with all my plushies/etc, but losing the other things might be hard. A lot of it is definitely a memory thing. I'm not very good at remembering things if I don't have an associated object, and those toys are a lot of me trying to remember my childhood, and it feels like I'm losing memories as items are gotten rid of.

In general, it's very frustrating to see a house I'm very attached to turn into what was basically on the brink of becoming a hoarder home. I'm still very sad that I will never get to see the house anywhere close to what it once was ever again. It was like boiling a frog. I knew the house was very bad but it had happened gradually that by the time I looked back after moving, it felt so much worse. Especially when I'd seen old photos a bit ago by going through my old old tumblr posts. The fact my dad used to claim the house was horrible in 2017 is almost laughable now, if it wasn't so frustrating that it actively got in the way of me having any chance of a social life because he was so convinced it was disgusting when it was only a normal amount of messy back then. I'm glad to have a truly clean house now, but I don't really expect to be able to make any friends in Ohio. Especially not in such a low population area. Maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised, but I don't really think 'chronically online brand autism' will pass as well with people as it would in New York. Even if I could pretend to be normal (I cannot. My best attempts at masking are essentially just silence and nodding along with whatever people say) I feel like it would just make me feel worse to not be able to be me. I'm glad to have family who can probably drag me out to things, but I don't think I'll do very well on my own. I mean who knows, maybe I'll get lucky and make an online friend that happens to be nearby. But that's hoping I'll even manage to make new online friends lmao. My people skills are so fucking rusty and it feels like everyone online is just primed to jump at chances to argue about literally anything. Or just closed off from new people in general. There's no real way to get close to people as far as I can tell other than maybe like. Discord servers. But I fucking hate being in discord servers with strangers nowadays. I've had my fair share of being a discord mod in so many servers for a few years in high school, I've had enough of the stupid side of discord for a long time. I've just lived too long in situations where friends just sort of...manifested in my life and I wasn't even sure how it happened. I think a good chunk just liked having a 'yesman' around, because I sucked at disagreeing with people unless I truly genuinely thought they said something fucking stupid. But even then only online, IRL I'm a coward. Not everyone obviously, lots of good friends, but definitely some. I don't know how to purposefully seek out new friends and it's a fucking stupid feeling position to be in. I love my current friends dearly but there's only so much you can do online with the same group for years until it becomes basically the same thing over and over. Or the case of everybody just being busy. It just sucks is all.

I'm bad at ending these blogs. But that's really all for tonight. Not much else to add at the moment.